"Why, that's easy, lad!", exclaimed the captain. "I wear a red shirt in case I get hit. Yer see, ifn I take a slash with my red shirt on, you boys don't see no blood and don't see me wounded. That way, yer don't lose faith in me and yer fight on and win the day!"
Well, the crew nodded appreciatively and agreed that thier captain was a very wise man.
But, just then, a call came down from the nest "Captain, 6 Spanish Warships off the port bow!"
As the crew scrambled to thier stations, the captain paused from barking orders, and grabbed a crewman by the arm.
"Be a good lad and fetch me my brown pants!"
===========================================================================
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to
open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a
glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in
front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees
that its in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He
takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey,breakfast is on
the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast
and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks,
"Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3
A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and
gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean,
and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!" =========================================================
After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo (and he
doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still
standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take
your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me
drive at the
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what
if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never
gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in
behind the wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the
airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to
105mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but
the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches,
but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and
gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped
a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the
cop.
Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver! ===============================================================
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I
also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the
rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle, and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the
rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson - To be sitting and doing nothing,
you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to
be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the
turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my
droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with
nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, found it
actually gave him enough strength to reach the
lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung,
he reached the second branch. Finally after a
fourth night, he was proudly perched at the top
of the tree.
Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer,
who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson - Bull Shit might get you to the
top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson Three
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was
so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a
large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by
and dropped some dung on it.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung,
it began to realize how warm it was.The dung was
actually thawing him out!He lay there all warm and
happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to
investigate.Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the
pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate
him.
Management Lesson -
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) When you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut !
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