Some funny jokes

I found a few funny jokes again. Some of them aren't exactly female-friendly, I apologize for that in advance, and I promise, the next time I will try to find some male-unfriendly jokes.

The Geography of Men and Women

The Geography of a Woman

- Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

- Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

- Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

- Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

- Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

- Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

- Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).

- After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man

- Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.


Poisonous

One cold, rainy afternoon, there's a guy sitting at a bar, just staring into his untouched drink. He sits like that for about an hour, saying nothing. Finally, a big, rough-looking truck driver decides he's going to start some trouble, and he walks over, picks up the drink from in front of the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor guy just starts crying. The truck driver wasn't expecting that reaction, and he says, "Aw, come on, man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that," the man said, wiping away his tears. "See... This has been the worst day of my life. First, I overslept, and I was late to my office, and my boss was in a terrible mood, and fired me. When I got my things and left the building to go home, I found my car was stolen. The police don't have any clues."

"So I got in a cab to go home and when I got out, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards on the seat, and the cab driver just drove away. I went inside and went upstairs, and I found my wife in bed with the gardener! I walked out and came to this bar."

"And now, while I'm sitting here thinking about putting an end to it all, you show up and drink my poison!"


Quite a mix-up

When the ark's door was closed Noah called a meeting with all the
animals.

"Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO sex on
this trip. All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my
sons.

I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you
can get your penis back."

After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very
excited. "Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window
to see if there is any land out there!" Mrs. Rabbit got onto his
shoulders, looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, no land yet."
"Damn!", exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.

This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs.
Rabbit asked, "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for
forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able
to seeland. But why are you acting so excited every day?"

"Look!", said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece
of paper, "I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!"

Mission Impossible

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied,
"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"