Pilot (Speedbird 206): "Frankfurt tower, Speedbird 206 is clear of the active runway."
Tower: "Speedbird 206, taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
Pilot (Speedbird 206): [silence, standing still just off of the runway]
Tower: "Speedbird 206, don't you know where to go?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by tower, I'm looking up the gate location now."
Tower (growing impatient): "Speedbird 206, haven't you ever been to Frankfurt?"
Pilot (Speedbird 206): "Yes, twice in 1944 -- but it was dark and I didn't land."
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Pilot (Eastern 702): "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy the report from Eastern 702?"
Pilot (Continental 635): "Continental 635, roger, cleared for takeoff; and yes, we copied Eastern, and have already notified our caterers."
Pilot: "Bangor Departure, this is Cessna Four Seven Six Bravo."
Tower: "Cessna Four Seven Six Bravo, Bangor go ahead."
Pilot: "Bangor, I don't seem to be making much progress here. How is my ground speed?"
Tower: "Cessna Four Seven Six Bravo, it all depends. If you're a hang glider, you're doing pretty well."
Unknown Pilot (waiting in a very long takeoff queue): "I'm f**king bored."
Tower: "Last aircraft transmitting, please identify yourself immediately!!"
Unknown Pilot: "I said I was f**king bored, not f**king stupid."
Tower: "Flight 2431, for noise abatement turn right 20 degrees."
Pilot (Flight 2431): "Roger, but we're at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Flight 2431, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it collides with a 727?"
Pilot (Cessna N2349): "Tower -- Cessna N2349 -- student pilot -- out of fuel!!"
Tower: "Roger Cessna N2349'er, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?"
Pilot (Cessna N2349): "Uh ... tower, I am on the south ramp. I just want to know where the fuel truck is."
In a popular SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to flight level 600 (60,000 feet). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?" The SR-71 pilot responded, "We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it!"
A retired Alaska Airlines Captain, flying as a dead head passenger aboard Alaska Airlines flight 498 from Seattle to San Francisco, related the following public safety announcement from memory to his laptop computer just moments after it was made:
Flight Attendant: "Hello, and welcome aboard Alaska Airlines flight 498 to San Francisco. If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening ...
We'd now like to tell you about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is -- the flight attendants. Please look at one now. There are five exits aboard this plane: two at the front, two over the wings, and one out of the plane's rear. If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please don't store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you will be glad you did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows ...
In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things (oxygen masks) will drop down above your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendants are showing you now. The bag will not inflate, but there is oxygen there -- I promise. If you're sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put your mask on first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one first, then work your way down ...
In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer -- it makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out now and play with it.
Now please take a moment to make sure that your seat belts are fastened low and tight around your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it is a pulley thing -- not a pushy thing like your car because you are in an airplane -- Hellooo!! ...
There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume that you're on fire and put you out. This is a free service that we provide. There are two smoking sections on this flight, one on the outside of each wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight -- hold on, let me check and see what it is ... Oh here it is, the movie tonight is 'Gone with the Wind' ...
In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it is going to get really dark, really fast. If you are afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please do not press the orange button (attendant) unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat's ejection button. Just kidding. We are glad to have you on board with us today, and thank you for choosing Alaska Airlines."
Flight Attendant: "... Your seat cushions may be used as floatation devices. In the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
Male Flight Attendant: "Ladies and gentlemen, we aren't anticipating a full flight, so at this time please look around, and if you don't like the looks of the person sitting next to you, feel free to move to another seat in the cabin. Or, if you see someone you would rather be sitting next to -- for example, the blonde in row 10, this would be a good time to do so."
Pilot: "Sorry about the delay in pushing back from the gate, but apparently they don't take American Express at the gas pumps."
Flight Attendant: "... There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only six ways to leave this aircraft."
Flight Attendant: "... Please use the lavatory in your section. The ones in first class aren't any different, except for a little linen fold that I can never seem to get right anyway."
Flight Attendant: "... The only place to smoke on today's flight is out on the wing. Please step through, right foot first, and follow the arrows. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
Flight Attendant (after a delay in taking off): "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that the machine that rips the handles off luggage is broken. [cheers, laughter] The bad news is that our departure will be temporarily delayed while they fix it."
Flight Attendant: "... In the unlikely event of a water-landing, you will find a sexy yellow life-jacket under your seat, now being modeled by the flight attendants. The life-jacket is also equipped with a light -- so you can read while waiting to be rescued."
A young flight attendant, fresh out of training, did not realize that "La Guardia" and "New York" were the same place. While the plane was in line awaiting clearance to taxi to the runway, a passenger asked her what time would they be landing in New York, at which point the flight attendant exclaimed, "Oh my god, you're on the wrong plane!" The captain was immediately informed of a misloaded passenger and, without knowing anything further, requested permision to taxi back to the terminal. He instructed the attendant to make an announcement in case other people had also boarded by mistake. "Ladies and gentlemen," she began, "If you are traveling to New York, we regret to inform you this plane is headed to La Guardia."
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